7 Tips to Soothe and Heal Your Grief and Bereavement

 

The loss of a loved one can take the wind out of you.  No one can prepare you for such a loss. When my father died at age 82, I was 40 years old and for the first time in my life I understood grief. No one can prepare you for the passing of a loved one and the deep sorrow and anguish you will inevitably experience. When my mother followed my father in death, nine years later, my grief was renewed, especially since she had Alzheimer’s Disease. Although many years have passed since the death of both my parents, my anguish and sorrow are still very present but they have abated somewhat. 

In this blog post, I will share with you some of the stages of grief that I experienced and provide you with six useful tips to soothe and heal your deepest pain and sorrow in order to effectively cope with the loss of your loved one.

Your current anguish and sorrow at the passing of your loved one will eventually subside at some point, if you decisively deal with your grief and bereavement.

Before I help you along the process of healing your grief and bereavement, I want to express my deepest and sincerest sympathy to you for the loss of your loved one – husband, wife, child, mother, father, brother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, cousin, uncle, aunt, fiancée, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, close neighbour, co-worker or colleague, best friend, godparent, godchild, friend, relative or other family member, etc. Whoever your loved one was, I wish you peace and healing! 

Grieving Tip No. 1: Cry, cry…and cry some more…

“Jesus wept” (Luke 11:35).  Yes, Jesus, a big man and a very public figure wept in front of Lazarus’ sisters – Martha and Mary – and the “…many Judeans [who] had come to see Martha and Mary to comfort them about their brother’s death (Luke 11:19).”  So, whoever said that “Big boys don’t cry,” lied!

Whether you’re a grown man or a grown woman, cry all you need to. If you weren’t supposed to cry, God would not have given you tear glands; so, use them. Each tear you shed will bring you closer to healing the grief, sorrow and anguish you feel in this time of bereavement.  At first it will be ‘head-hurting’ tears.  By that I mean that your head will feel as though it will split open but as time goes by the headaches will go away and the tears will subside. 

I cried head-hurting tears for the twelve days from my dad’s death on December 8 to his burial on December 20 and for about one whole month after his burial.  So go ahead and cry because as the Turkish proverb says, "He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it."

Grieving Tip No. 2: Remember the good times...and those annoying habits too.

Reminiscing about your loved one will help you on towards healing.  At first, each memory will just cause you immense pain; so much so that you won’t want to think any more. Go ahead, remember and yes think about all the things that made your loved one unique and special to you. Go down memory lane to wherever your mind takes you. The memories will just come and, along with them, profound realization of all the things you will never ever be able to do again with your loved one. 

Do not try to block out the memories or stop them, despite the pain you will experience while conjuring up those memories.  The way s/he smiled, laughed, usually said something, usually did something, sang, whistled or hummed.  That thing s/he did at Christmas one time or said during a family get together; at the dining table; at the staff party; while meeting with friends; at your parents’ house etcetera. Ordinary moments you shared, like just watching television together; playing games; going someplace that was “your thing” etcetera.  Special moments you shared. My Dad taught me to play cards and we loved playing cards. We also went to church together each week. 

We may not like to admit it but we all have idiosyncrasies or eccentricities that make us who we are but which, somehow, annoys someone else.  So, you can even remember those annoying habits of your loved one.  And you know what? Surprise! Somehow after death those annoying habits aren’t as important. You just want your loved one back; annoying habits and all.

Grieving Tip No. 3: Write down the memories and share them

If, like me, you’re doing the eulogy, then write the memories down and share them in the eulogy. Otherwise, you can do a tribute yourself or contribute those fond memories for inclusion by the eulogist in the eulogy or give the tribute yourself.  This will be a fitting homage to your loved one as you share with all those who will be attending the funeral the many sides of your loved one that they may not have known or experienced. 

We all bring out different qualities in a person – their funny side, creative side, loving or romantic side, protective side, generous side, playful side, etc. So, your interaction with your loved one would have brought out one or more of their personality traits.  Use the memories to ensure that the contributions of your loved one to life and living are fondly remembered.

Grieving Tip No. 4: Keep some special items that remind you of your loved one

At first it will feel as though you cannot get rid of ANYTHING that belonged to your loved one. Do not worry. You have to start somewhere. Do not force yourself to throw away anything but as time goes by you have to be wise.  Give away the clothes, for example, to charity or use what you can as part of your wardrobe. Then just keep a few precious and deeply meaningful items. That way you avoid the clutter, purposefully contribute towards your healing process and still have some vital keepsakes to remember your loved one.

My father’s rosary was one of his cherished possessions that I kept in order to remember him, since he said his Rosary every night. A few years after he passed, I also started the habit of saying my Rosary on a daily basis. I also kept his Dominican Cross, since he belonged to the Dominican Third Order (secular). Additionally, I kept his wrist watch, ties, one of his shoes and one of his favourite shirts.

I kept two skirts that my mother sewed for herself. In fact, I wear one of those skirts to church. Mom loved sewing and I can still remember the really beautiful and elaborate dresses that she sewed for us as children to go to church, as well as casual clothes for recreational outings. Mom also loved dressing up and so I kept one or two pieces of her jewellery as well.

Grieving Tip No. 5: Beware of anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions!

Just when you think that you’re all done crying and you have no more tears to cry, lo and behold, some special day or anniversary that you shared - wedding anniversary, birthday, first date, first meeting, Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, the anniversary of his/her death or “All Souls” day - will come along and bring back all of the feelings of his/her loss flooding back to you, as fresh as that first day. 

The first birthday, anniversary, etcetera, after your loved one’s passing will be another tough point for you. However, do not worry you will get through it. 

Just go back to Grieving Tip Number 1 and cry some more.  Let it all out and you will be experiencing healing no matter how painfully slow it seems. All those tears do not make you a weakling. All those tears mean that you are bringing healing to your spirit and moving closer towards closure.  Not closure in the sense that you will forget that person but closure in terms of getting used to the fact that s/he is no longer around and that you need to keep him/her in a special place in your heart but not give up on living.

Grieving Tip No. 6: Get out there and live again!

Those memories, along with the pain and sorrow of the passing of your loved one, may have knocked the wind out of you but don’t let them kill you.  Your loved one would be touched by your grief at his/her passing and how much s/he meant to you but they would want to see you get up and live out a very productive life. 

So, make your loved one proud of you.  Start going out and doing things once again. Join a club or society. Take up a sport. Learn to play an instrument. Learn a foreign language. Go on vacation to some place you always wanted to visit. Whatever you do, DO NOT sink into depression and withdraw from life and living.  

Your grief makes you a very special person because as Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) so exquisitely says it, "Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them." 

Grieving Tip No. 7: PRAY for your loved one

There is much skepticism, among non-Catholics and some Catholics, concerning the benefit, if any at all, that prayers can have for a dead person. Well, I have two strong pieces of evidence for you that your prayers can truly be of enormous benefit to your loved ones after they have died.

Firstly, I’ll present evidence for all Christians (Catholic and non-Catholic) based on Revelation 8 in the Holy Bible, when Jesus broke open the seventh and final seal of the scroll which he had taken from God the Father’s right hand. After Jesus broke that 7^th seal, two significant things took place before God’s final judgement on both the living and the dead:

1)      “…there was silence in heaven for about half an hour”. This protracted period of silence highlights the importance of the event.

2)       An angel “… was given a lot of incense to add to the prayers of all God’s people and to offer it on the gold altar that stands before the throne [of God]”. This strongly suggests that God will hear, consider and accept those prayers before he releases his final judgement.  

 Secondly, I’ll present evidence primarily for Catholics (since a significant number of non-Catholics do not believe in saints). In her DIARY, Saint Faustina Kowalska shared two powerful promises from Our Lord Jesus Christ concerning recitation of the Chaplet of Divine Mercy:

Promise No. 1: “The souls of those who say this Chaplet – My mercy will embrace them during their lives and especially at the hour of death.” [paragraph 754]

Promise No. 2: “I shall treat every soul that says this Chaplet as My glory, and I shall grant it My defence at the hour of death; also, those at whose bedside others say the Chaplet shall be granted the same indulgence. When people say the Chaplet at a dying person’s bedside, God’s anger is placated, and unfathomed mercy embraces the soul, and the depths of My mercy are moved, for the sake of my Son’s sorrowful passion.” [paragraph 811]

Here are some examples of ways in which you can still actively show love to your loved ones while they are dying or after they have died:

(a)   Pray or sing the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for them at their bedside, before they are buried, after they are buried or whenever you think of them.

(b)   Hold a Wake or Prayer Vigil for them with family, friends and/or colleagues before their burial date.

(c)   Say a Mass for them every year on their birth date, death date or funeral date.

(d)   Pray the Holy Rosary for them on special holidays during the year such as, Easter or Christmas.

 

Finally, coping with death or the loss of a loved one can seem insurmountable but it is not. Actively following the above-mentioned seven tips will genuinely soothe your grief and bereavement and set you on the road to healing and recovery. The grieving process is usually slow and you can take all the time that you need to grieve the loss of your loved one.  Do not let anyone tell you when your period of grieving should be over. It varies for everyone and as Anne Grant (1755-1838) so wisely stated: "Grief is a process, not a state."

***Photo attribution: All photos are creative common. Special thank you to the talented artists – buzukis (pixabay); Clker-Free-Vector-Images (pixabay); Darkmoon_Art (pixabay); The National Gallery of Art (rawpixel); terimakasih0 (pixabay); VISHNU_KV (pixabay).

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Share with us, in the COMMENT section below, which stage of the grieving process you’re at and how you’re doing.

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